Monday, July 6, 2009

"These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes"

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I have to write about These Dreams. I am a vivid dreamer. If I were only a writer I could write volumes of short stories because none of them are really related. Or ARE they? I think they prove my insanity.LOL Only an insane person could dream up such wild things. Or maybe they are a release for me to KEEP my sanity. I've always walked the razor's edge. A psychology teacher told me once, if you think you're insane you're not for the insane do NOT know they are. I don't know about that. Of course that was what seems like a hundred years ago. There has been hundred of advances in the advance of the diaganosis & treatment of mental illnesses.
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I've always had a vivid imagination. I had to. I had to escape the 2a.m. nightmares of my Dad coming home drunk. If I successfully feigned sleep I could escape the belt for some real or imagined transgression. My dreams a child were not bad ones. Just "flights of fancy." I think they were my escape from the nightmares I endured during the day. Besides my Dad I had to deal with the brother from Hilarity Hell. He lived to torture me. Thought it was all in good fun. Nothing like waking up at 11 or 12 o'clock at night with your brother's hands squeezing around your neck with just enough pressure to feel it. And acting like he's gone crazy enough to kill you. He did THAT one more than once even though I knew it was an "act" how was I to know if he'd really snapped? I don't know how many times I had to become hysterical before he would laugh & let me go. Other of his many "gags" were taking one of my dad's souvenir WWII bayonettes sheathed sometimes, sometimes not & awake me pretending he'd been stabbed with the bayonette run through his shirt and blood or paint running from the wound. I was about 10 or 12 yrs old. It's easy to terrorize a deeply sleeping child when you awaken them suddenly acting a crazed fool. Did my brother get punished? Not really. No one ever saw what he did to me. For years I panicked if anyone touched my neck or woke me suddenly. Still my dreams were not bad ones.
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It is only in the middle of my life when the bad and weird and absolutely crazy dreams began. I don't know when exactly that they changed. They just did. From happy field of wildflowers, to fires and floods, murder and monsters. Blood and rape, frenzy and terror. Being chased. Running. A lot of running. The insanity. The absolute way they make no sense at all. I have given up trying to analyze them. I used to try to write them down, but they are always so long (or so it seems) & SO detailed. One person would be a star in the dream & change into someone else. I would awake, go back to sleep & the dream picks back up where it left off. Or have the same dream every night with a chapter added to it. It just amazes me. Sometime, i know what influenced a certain dream. I watched the movie Beowulf the other night and of course that night I dreamed of monsters like Grendel. Those dreams seems to make sense. A few nights ago I dreamed of finding a magic water. My DH, myself & a 3rd party invented a new soda. This water renewed itself so we could make endless amounts of this "new soda." Trouble was, besides this very flavorful, addicting soda, it did amazing things to people. Different things. Explicit things, graphic things, incredible things, terrible things. It could only be sold in very small amounts or the effects would be dramatically better-or worse. Before the dream was over all kinds of hell had broken loose. I could go on & on with more boring but chaotic dreams. I just wish someone could crawl in my head & make sense of some of the shit. Anyway...I'm off to dream again.
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Photobucket Thank you Missie (chat2missie) for the wonderful Bee siggy tags. She is the best!

These Dreams
Heart
Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over these dreams in the mist

[[[[[[[[note that this paragraph was not in the version that I liked the most]]]]]]]]
Darkness on the edgeShadows where I stand
I search for the time On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember are the dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
Is it cloak 'n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cutThrough a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away


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7 comments:

LYN said...

I DREAM THAT I PICK UP THE COFFEE TABLE..CONDENSE IT INTO A BITE SIZE PIECE AND THEN SWALLOW IT..THEN I WAKE UP CHOKING!!!

LOVED THE GRAPHICS IN THEI ENTRY BY THE WAY....

Martha said...

Dreams are the weirdest things! How do we ever come up with the things we dream and why?! I'm wishing you sweet dreams :-)

Sandra said...

Dreams are the most bizarre of things Barb, who knows why we dream the things we do. I often dream that I can`t breathe and am so relieved when I wake up, it seems so real. I have no idea why this happens as I have had no experiences like your own. Also I dream that I`m trying to gey away from something but my legs won`t move...weird eh?

Love and Hugs

Sandra xxxx

Lisa said...

Yes I have some bizarre dreams too! I'm laughing about Lyn's dream about the condensed coffee table but the choking part is not good. For some reason when something bad is going to happen to me my ex almost always shows up in the dream... or barking dogs. Like ferocious dogs with teeth. Yikes! I will say prayers that both of us have peaceful and kind and restful happy dreams of meadows and flowers.
Lisa in Kentucky

Missie said...

First, you very welcome for the bee tags.

Secon, I'm a very vivid dreamer. Somtimes, my dreams so real, I have a hard time in the morning wondering if they happened or not.

I never sleep without dreaming....

Gerry said...

I must have read something of yours mentioning being such a vivid dreamer, but this entry really brings home that fact to me. I am a dreamer, too, and my sister Linda is even more a dreamer than I am. I do think your dreams are a part of your perception of a complex life, they are necessary, they surface unnamed terrors and give some relief, so I always think dreams are worth studying. I think they are even an aspect of wonderful creativity in the dreamer, little poems you might say, or short stories which you mentioned. In fact one of the most remarkable dreams I ever had I based a novel on, which I wrote first as a short story when I was 15 and then later epanded into a novel. I dreamed it in two installments on two nights. In it I dreamed I committed a murder and it took me years to come to an interpretation of the dream that satisfied me. I think this is one of the most remarkable accounts I have ever read of someone's dreams tied to early events as well. You are a stunning writer when you have time and feel well enough to do it! Gerry

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