"These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes"

I have to write about These Dreams. I am a vivid dreamer. If I were only a writer I could write volumes of short stories because none of them are really related. Or ARE they? I think they prove my insanity.LOL Only an insane person could dream up such wild things. Or maybe they are a release for me to KEEP my sanity. I've always walked the razor's edge. A psychology teacher told me once, if you think you're insane you're not for the insane do NOT know they are. I don't know about that. Of course that was what seems like a hundred years ago. There has been hundred of advances in the advance of the diaganosis & treatment of mental illnesses.

I've always had a vivid imagination. I had to. I had to escape the 2a.m. nightmares of my Dad coming home drunk. If I successfully feigned sleep I could escape the belt for some real or imagined transgression. My dreams a child were not bad ones. Just "flights of fancy." I think they were my escape from the nightmares I endured during the day. Besides my Dad I had to deal with the brother from Hilarity Hell. He lived to torture me. Thought it was all in good fun. Nothing like waking up at 11 or 12 o'clock at night with your brother's hands squeezing around your neck with just enough pressure to feel it. And acting like he's gone crazy enough to kill you. He did THAT one more than once even though I knew it was an "act" how was I to know if he'd really snapped? I don't know how many times I had to become hysterical before he would laugh & let me go. Other of his many "gags" were taking one of my dad's souvenir WWII bayonettes sheathed sometimes, sometimes not & awake me pretending he'd been stabbed with the bayonette run through his shirt and blood or paint running from the wound. I was about 10 or 12 yrs old. It's easy to terrorize a deeply sleeping child when you awaken them suddenly acting a crazed fool. Did my brother get punished? Not really. No one ever saw what he did to me. For years I panicked if anyone touched my neck or woke me suddenly. Still my dreams were not bad ones.


It is only in the middle of my life when the bad and weird and absolutely crazy dreams began. I don't know when exactly that they changed. They just did. From happy field of wildflowers, to fires and floods, murder and monsters. Blood and rape, frenzy and terror. Being chased. Running. A lot of running. The insanity. The absolute way they make no sense at all. I have given up trying to analyze them. I used to try to write them down, but they are always so long (or so it seems) & SO detailed. One person would be a star in the dream & change into someone else. I would awake, go back to sleep & the dream picks back up where it left off. Or have the same dream every night with a chapter added to it. It just amazes me. Sometime, i know what influenced a certain dream. I watched the movie Beowulf the other night and of course that night I dreamed of monsters like Grendel. Those dreams seems to make sense. A few nights ago I dreamed of finding a magic water. My DH, myself & a 3rd party invented a new soda. This water renewed itself so we could make endless amounts of this "new soda." Trouble was, besides this very flavorful, addicting soda, it did amazing things to people. Different things. Explicit things, graphic things, incredible things, terrible things. It could only be sold in very small amounts or the effects would be dramatically better-or worse. Before the dream was over all kinds of hell had broken loose. I could go on & on with more boring but chaotic dreams. I just wish someone could crawl in my head & make sense of some of the shit. Anyway...I'm off to dream again.
Thank you Missie (chat2missie) for the wonderful Bee siggy tags. She is the best!

These Dreams
Heart
Spare a little candle
Save some light for me
Figures up ahead
Moving in the trees
White skin in linen
Perfume on my wrist
And the full moon that hangs over these dreams in the mist

[[[[[[[[note that this paragraph was not in the version that I liked the most]]]]]]]]
Darkness on the edgeShadows where I stand
I search for the time On a watch with no hands
I want to see you clearly
Come closer than this
But all I remember are the dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
Is it cloak 'n dagger
Could it be spring or fall
I walk without a cutThrough a stained glass wall
Weaker in my eyesight
The candle in my grip
And words that have no form
Are falling from my lips

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

There's something out there
I can't resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There's something out there
I can't resist
The sweetest song is silence
That I've ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth
In a wood full of princes
Freedom is a kiss
But the prince hides his face
From dreams in the mist

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away
These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside
Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away

Happy Independence Day - Please make it a safe one.

Good Afternoon everyone & a fine hot day/weekeknd it will be. I feel very strongly about the right to celebrate this country's freedom. It'S NOt just not supposed to be a long weekend to run off & grill burgers, take a long weekend & watch some magnificent fireworks. Few of us think about what those rocket's red glare mean to this country's past. How many lives were lost to lay down this freedom? How many won't be home this weekend manning the grill because they are out there laying the groundwork for more freedom in this world for those who don't have it? Thank you America. Thank you fighters of freedom. Thank you all who help every day to make my life so easy. Yes, yes, yes. Go out.Fire up your grills, take that 4 day trip, and when you're watching those glorious fireworks from wherever you are, say a prayer for the safety of those protecting our freedom, fighting for someone else's. And here comes my obliglatory, PLEASE PLEASE for God's sake. Stay sober. Or have a designated driver.AND mind your city/town's fireworks laws. LOL (My civil service for the weekend.)

I am sure my fireworks celebration will dull as unbuttered toast. DH usually has to work. Well, he doesn't HAVE to - he could take the day off but woul not get the Holiday Pay. The have to work the day before & the day after a Holiday to get holiday pay. Tom usually takes the girls out to a friend's house that have a 4th party. They live out of the city limits where it is legal to set off fireworks. They aren't this year though as they have a new baby.


More than likely Rich (DH) will be at work. Tom has plans all weekend. They DO include the girls. There is a parade & street fair downtown. I would LOVE to go. I haven't been in several years. it is usually wicked hot ; at least there you can get a HOTdog. We shall see.


ORTHO doc visit Thursday went far differently than I thought it would. The night before those two toes that have been giving me hell and my whole foot were swollen. I had been up a little longer than I probably should have. I mean, my God, it's been over a month. I SHOULD be able to be up on my feet all day if I want. Apparently it was too long. When I went to the DR, he thought it was doing great. I said, "What??" I said look at the redness, the swelling of the two toes. He went on to give me the DR babble pep talk which I took with a grain of salt. Yeah, he's supposed to be the best there is at what he does & I, nothing but a patient with my own ideas. Guess that is why HE gets paid the big bucks. So the report was good. He said I can try to wear a regular tennis shoe this weekend and go swimming whenever I want. YAY! He DID prescribe another round of antibiotics and a pack methylPREDNISolone-6 days worth. Fibromyalgia was brought up. I didn't bring it up, Richard did. All my painful points everywhere on my body. Doc said he's suspected I had it but I have been on several drugs that are used to treat it for my other pain symptoms, and they haven't helped. My trigger points seem to be getting worse and so Doc decided to Rx'd a new drug for firbromyalgia, Savelle. It just came out in March so he is excited for me to try it. Of course, my pharmacy doesn't even have it in, so I have to wait until Monday. Enough of that. All I can do is trust him at his word.



My sainted son, Tom, just fixed fab supper. Grilled chicken with pineapple. Alligator bites: opened & seeded jalapenos filled w/cream cheese, cheddar, or mexican blend (or your fav), a bit of chicken (make sure you cook throuroughly if using raw bits as we do). U put the top back on the jalapeno(we slice lengthwise) and wrap with a stip of bacon; secure w/toothpick & grill till it's done. OMG.These are the best ever. To me they aren't spicy at all because it's the seed & membrane that give jalapenos their heat. I LOVE them. I love bacon on anything too. T had 2 extra slices of bacon and grilled them alone for the girls. I took a bite & told him that I think this is the ONLY way bacon should be cooked. LOL Can you imagine firing up the grill every morning for breakfast. (Shows how much I go camping.)
Grilled some slices of fresh pineapple. By the way after he cored & sliced the pineapple with our handy dandy tool that does it that I got from QVC, he put the boneless skinless breasts in the pineapple "skin" and let it marinate in there till he cooked it. OMG that chicken was sooo juicy and tender!! I go on don't I? Anyway we had a yummy lite summer dinner and the girls ate like they hadn't eaten all day.

I woke up with a summer cold. It was almost funny if it weren't so annoying. I sneezed all day-in 3s. Every time I sneezed, I sneezed 3 times. I'm not usually a multiple sneezer. And EVERY time-3 sneezes. Until after dinner. I'm down 1 sneeze at a time & a head stuffed with cotton & a nose running like a leaky faucet. Joy. Not.

Well, again, I'm outta here. Have a safe and fun weekend and wave a sparkler for me!!

RIP Michael and Farrah

Yes, I am writing about the loss of Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett. Two icons in their own right gone far too soon. I am already SICK of the SICK jokes going around about the two of them and I don't want to hear any more of them.
It's one thing to disrespect someone in life, that can defend themselves...but less than 24 hours after they are gone, I think is just plain mean spirited. Yes both of them were far from "our" definition of normal. What IS normal? Am I normal .... ahhh, no. Are you? I am so disgusted at the names they have branded upon the Hollywood and Music World elite. They are people whose destiny took them down a road that few travel upon.
Michael Jackson was scrutinized by everyone, everywhere from the first time he walked on a stage. Where were all these so called friends & fans of his when he was on trial for molestation? Did he molest little boys? I don't know. I wasn't there. I don't think many were. That's between him & his maker. I am sitting here watching his videos on several different channels. "Scream [Stop Pressuring Me]" & "Leave Me Alone"; two songs that say it all. He just wanted to make his music. Live his life. I know from what I've heard from tv & radio that he had a lot of chronic pain. A lot of that stemming from the fire in the Pepsi commercial. If you have never suffered chronic pain or been inclined to addiction, how can we understand. I hope he didn't suffer at the end. I know he's out of pain now. He's in heaven with his baby brother, Brandon who died the day of his birth. Brandon was Marlon's twin.
As for Farrah Fawcett. She suffered mightily & fought the good fight. I was thrilled when Ryan ONeal said they would be married and heartbroken that it didn't happen before she passed. Did you know when she was one month old she had surgery for a digestive tract tumor? She was born in Galveston TX. So of course we (Texans) claim her as our own. She certainly may not have had an impact on the world like the "King of Pop" did, but she came into our homes often. As one of Charlie's Angels, as the abused wife & mother of the "Burning Bed", etc. Apparently she had demons of her own to battle. I hope she too is resting in peace. Out of pain.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents on the matter.
Thursday afternoon we had a houseful of company. All the kids, then one of Richard's nephews, his wife, one of their sons, their daughter & her boyfriend-all moved back out here from the Phoenix area. 15 of us to eat (burgers off the grill) and swim. Well I couldn't swim of course. I was on my feet longer than I had been in the past few weeks. I was worn out by the time they all left. I guess my late nights finally caught up with me because since Friday morning when I went to bed till 11am I slept a total of 22 hours. I probably should try to get back to bed earlier tonight.
Hope you and yours are having a good weekend. Until next time.....

Free Feet - Kinda

Went to the Doc last Thurs. (The 18th) When the nurse took off the bandaging, she didn't think it looked all that great. That 2nd & 3rd toe (the troublemakers) were really swollen and deep red. However...with my foot up in the air sone of that redness subsided, so that was a relief. The 3rd toe, the one they took the pin out of early is crooked. He taped it, showed me how to tape it & taped the 1st 2 toes together. Told me I can walk without the crutches or can as long as it's not swelling or bothering me. I am using the cane most of the time.
Life seems to passing us by as usual. Things to be done everyday. I have been pretty useless up to this point but think I am finally on the mend. Rich, Tom & the girls have something up everyday.
Father's Day was nice. All the kids were here. If I had known they were all going to be here at the same time, we could've cooked out something. Robin & AJ said they would "probably be by" and Chad & Malizza & Hailey just came over. Ashley is still in WA. The girls really miss her. I had a card made for Tommy with a photo of his 3 daughters on the front & on the inside a photo of some of my tulips he'd taken then on the back of the card a small photo of him with Kenzie & Shelby. I also had a tall coffee mug made, with a close up Kenzie's & Shelby's faces tiled all over it. Very neat.I think he liked them. Chad & Tom mowed and did yard work. I must brag that my yard is looking better every day. It's a miracle what a working sprinkler system (thanks to Hubby, AJ, & Tommy & our nephew, Andy), some good rains, and $$$ in fertilizers & insecticides and weed killers will do. The front is patchy under the Oak tree but looks SO much better because Tom got some fescue to grow under it. It's slow spreading.
We are going to have to get a new roof from the hail we had a few weeks ago. Rich has this thing about metal roofs. He thinks they look cool. A lot more people are getting them. I think we will have to look into that before I'd do it. I just wonder how THEY hold up under hail like we had. I can see, like siding, the advatages of it. I really think that the siding we had put on has helped. Our electricity bill has been lower than usual for this time of year. So far. (Fingers crossed).
Nothing exciting to report, so I will keep this short & sweet. Hope all is well with you and yours and not too hot or stormy where you are.
Thank you all for all of you who have hung in with me. I appreciate all your prayers & well wishes. I know I'm here thanks to you guys.

Surgery/Post Surgery.

Well, I am 12 days out of surgery. I would say I am doing OK...sorta. Surgery was May 27, I went back a week later, just for a dressing change. The nurse & I both went "Oh no" at the same time as the dressing came off....the whole top of my foot was swollen & lobster red. Doc was in surgery. She took a couple of pics & sent them to him & he had her take one of the pins out the toes. (3 of them had these pins down through the top of the toe-they are abt 3" long). He thought one of them might have been causing the infection as it was working it's way out & had a lot of stuff on it...my body just rejecting it. Happens sometimes. So she pulled the pin & they faxed me in a prescription for antibiotics. I had been cheating & not using both my crutches. I'm allowed to put weight on it as long as it's the heel of the foot. So I was using one crutch or my cane. That was a big no no. I'm supposed to use BOTH crutches ALL the time and stay off it as much as possible & when I'm not up to have the foot elevated. I went back to the DR the next day & saw him. It already looked 20% better (he said). I agree, it looked better. I go back on June 10th to get all the stitches taken out and the other 2 pins. I have a permanent screw in the big toe. like on the other foot. I hope this stops the ulcers on these toes. It's got to help.

I'm being spoiled and going crazy. Rich did drop me off at the nail salon Thursday & came back to get me after I was done. I will be SO glad when I can drive. I could now....it's my left foot, but the Dr. prefers I don't. That way I won't be tempted to "go shopping." LOL Like I'm SUCH a shopaholic. I have been getting a lot of crocheting done. I finished one & got it mailed to Sandra's daughter who had a beautiful 8 lb baby girl! (some of you might know her from journaling...Labdancer51.) Although they live in England, I've known Sandra for a couple of years from AOL journals. When I found out her daughter was having a girl & I wanted to make her a baby afghan, I was thrilled...the past few I'd done were for boys. I have a couple more to make two for boys and one I don't know the sex of yet. I think I will do a green & white one.

Other than my surgery, life has been as usual. The girls are having a ball out of school. Swimming almost every day. Our oldest granddaughter, Ashley left for Washington on June 2 for her annual trip to visit her Mom. I know she was looking forward to it. Unfortunately I didn't get to see her after my surgery, right before she left. I wanted to give her some "mad money" in case she ran across something she really wanted, but i'm sure she will be fine money wise. I also wanted to talk to her about the Twilight series books. She is one of those who encouraged me to read them. I'm almost done with book two and i can't believe how much better it was than the first book & the first book was really good. Very very easy reads.

A very good friend was going home from work late Wednesday night when he had to stop for gas. Of course at a self serve station. He was robbed at gunpoint. The guy asked for his wallet & his keys. He only had $14 on him. I HOPE he's got the locks changed on their house. I haven't talked to him since Thursday so don't have anymore details. I am just glad the guy was satisfied with what he got and took off. It's a scary world out there. I heard a statistic that 1 in 3 people in the United States will be touched by violent crime. Sad isn't it? Scary.

Well, it's getting late. Hope all is well with you all. I will try to get around to your blogs when I can. I can't seem to concentrate on doing much online. LOL

Love you all! Have a good week!

Monday Morning Minutes

Good Morning one and all. I guess that's the appropriate greeting even though I haven't been to bed yet & it's 6 a.m. Slept too late today so I guess that 's why I was so wide awake tonight. I've been watching television most of the evening & doing some crocheting. I have 3 baby boy afgans to get done by Oct. Shelby has been repeatedly asking me to make her a new poncho which I will....if I ever get caught up. LOL I asked her if she'd like to have a fluffy scarf instead. She considered that & told me maybe...if I let her go with me when I get the yarn. LOL
I am happy to report that in the past week of so I have had a lot of pain relief. I WISH I KNEW what caused this happy occurence. We've had a lot of humidity & I thought the change of weather was what was causing it. It's been trying to rain off and on for over a week, so I'm starting to think it's NOT the change in barometric pressure. LOL Whatever, my hands have hardly had a twinge and my feet have been livable, so this has been. I guess someone had OTHER plans for my body this past week. Thurs night I noticed discomfort in the two toes on the left foot that still have (small) wounds. I take off the bandaids at night to let them get fresh air. They were very swollen & inflamed & felt warm to the touch. "Infection!" I thought. Called Doc first thing in the a.m. & he called in some antibiotics. They have helped but it's possible that my surgery Wednesday may have to postponed. I am not sure how I feel about that. It needs to be done. I DON'T want to have the surgery of course. I do want to stop having infections & ulcers on my feet. Anyway we'll have to wait & see. Plus these antibiotics give me horrible heartburn. The price we pay.
My sister in law had her surgery a couple weeks ago. She is doing very well. I was shocked that even though she had 2 plates and 8 pins, they only put her in a boot. She is allowed to take it off & flex & turn her ankle. Wheat harvest is about to commence (in KS) if it hasn't already. I sure hope she doesn't try to get back to it too soon. I worry about her being too bored & thinking she is ready to do more than she should.
Well, I bettter hit the hay, as the farner in me says. LOL Oh yeah. I'm a real farmer. I can't even grow weeds correctly.
Will let you know if I get the surgery.
Love y'all.

Just a quick entry. I don't feel like writing a long entry.I am crying because I am in pain. A lot of it. My feet, my hands, my knee & and my shoulder/back. I strained a muscle down the lower part of my neck into my shoulder blade area. It 's NOT getting better. I was at the ortho doc. I forgot tell him about it. He probably could've given me a shot. Nothing else is helping. He was pleased with the progress of a couple of my wounds on my feet. One that has been open for 5+ months is completely healed . The one on the other big toe is still not healed but a lot better. The 2nd & 3rd toe on the left foot...same. He has decided he is going to operate on the toes on the left foot. 3 of them, maybe the 4th one too. He wanted to do with within the next 2-3 weeks and they couldn't find a slot for me until May 27th. The man is OVERBOOKED everywhere. They turn under (like hammertoe) so he will release a tendon and put a screw in the big toe then take a joint out of the other toes. Did the same thing to the right foot a few yrs ago. The toes don't bend anymore. I hope this works. It's only was partially successful with the right foot. I'm not asking for sympathy. It's about all I have to write about.
It's beem unbearably hot the past week. And it's only early May. Hopefully the pool will be swimmable in a week or 2. We got the solar blanket on it today. It still has to have a good vacuuming from the dust that blew in a few weeks ago. Ugh.
My SIL's surgery went well. She had to have 2 plates and 8 pins put in. They have it in a temp cast. She goes back Tuesday to see if they will put it in a cast or boot. I am pretty certain it will HAVE to be in a cast. I wish she'd had my orthopedic surgeon. He is supposed to be one of the best there is in Texas, maybe the country. I know he's busy enough!
Happy Belated Birthday (in my blog) to our beautiful granddaughter in Arizona, Addison. She turned 3 on May 2. I saw pictures in her Mommy's blog. Looks like she had a great day.
I'm done for the night. Hope everything is going well with you and yours. I'll try to get by your blog in the days to come. You know me, always a day late & a dollar short.
Hugs,